The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
