The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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