I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
