if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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