I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
