You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
