i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
