I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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