I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
