it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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