And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
