I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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