hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Someone signed my nipple.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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