I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
