I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
