Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
