she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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