Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
