Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
