My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
