I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
