Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
