By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
