That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
