Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
