just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
