The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
