I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
