He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
