Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
As shirtless as possible
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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