These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
