My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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