i need an iv and a liver transplant
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
