Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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