my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
