I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
