I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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