its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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