I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
