I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
