Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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