saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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