I wannas sexs uuuuu
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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