brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
