Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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