i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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