mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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