My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
