hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
