how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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